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Post on the similarities between God and marriage coming up soon... as well as a few already handwritten on self-pity and if I can remember, maybe fear?  Stay tuned...

Rebellion ~ There's a Rebellious Root Hidden Within... One to bedug up and burnt to begin with

(RANDOM THOUGHTS... from 6/1/2012)

I've never really thought of myself as rebellious, not in the way that society defines rebellious. If I didn't have a teacher agree with me at school, or let me get my way, I accepted, understanding that they had the authority and knew best for that situation. I didn't do graffiti, or drugs, or try to skank anyone up... I did get into swearing a bit in primary school, which has been a habit that the sails can blow fully if I don't watch it, but that was partly due to just wanting to fit in with the crowd of friends I had.

However the last 24 hours have brought further thoughts on rebellion to light. My walk with God. Right now I want to throw in the towel. Give up. It seems too hard. Life seems too hard. No, I am not suicidal. I am just frustrated... call it rebellious! I don't understand what is happening, what is going on, where I am meant to be, or who I am... and I know that that's meant to be okay. I don't have to know, no one does, except God... but sometimes knowing that God knows isn't the most comforting thought. It isn't right now.

For almost a week I have struggled with God. I have felt that I am to take time out and spend time with Him, but I can't. I can't, because my attitude stinks and is making it seem impossible or improbable and unimportant/unfruitful. I know that reading the Bible should help my situation, but I get stuck on where to read and what to do. There is something repulsive about doing this. Something that seems to scream further pain and death. I get stuck on the fruitfulness of it all and the point of trying to connect with someone when it feels so isolating. I get so stuck that I don't even bother... I'll slip into watching television shows, movies, reading books, saving encouraging photos, slipping into old comfort habits - one involving eating food, even though I'm not hungry, or just staring at facebook waiting for someone to upload a status (for almost half an hour)... to just fill in the time... to just try to avoid what I know I need to do, because I don't know what else to do. It's pathetic! But it's also rebellious.

I can't remember what my thoughts were on this last night, but I realised that I've got a rebellious root inside of me. A root which I know has affected my relationship with God and wants to make me vomit up a vengeance of hurtful, hateful words, but I know not what the source nor what the words would contain, just the feeling of regurgitation at the back of the throat. What is this rebellion and where did it come from?

The picture of the closed fist holds close to my character lately... If I am frustrated (more with myself or God, than anyone else) I will lash out... not in tongue, but in action, and it is something I've had to work on. It's an act of violence against authority - I am still working out where I got a dislike for authority, because I hadn't realised I had any negative feelings towards authority until the last few months passed, but it is definitely one big can of worms.

There's the story of Jonah (also symbolised in most people's minds by a big fish, or a whale) which displays rebellion to God. God told Jonah to go to Ninevah... Jonah ran in the opposite direction to Ninevah, which didn't make Jonah's path easy at all (thanks Cookie for the lift up). In this story, this factual event of life that actually did happen, Jonah rebelled against God, but he was also running out of fear. How often do we run? How often do I run? I run a lot... I didn't realise it, but I do. I haven't done much physical running lately... actually I haven't done any, but I have ran a lot spiritually and relationally, and that is rebellion... knowing that you should be doing something and avoiding it at all costs. Who knew fear ties in with rebellion? I sure didn't!

I run because I'm scared; I don't know what the future holds; and so I run to where I feel comfortable, which is sometimes running away from everyone, physically and mentally... I am realising today that I don't know where God is in my life; I don't know who He is; and part of me doesn't care because I've tried getting to know Him and I can't hack it anymore... which won't end very well... it would probably turn into Jonah's story very quickly... good thing there's no whales nearby... But I also realise I've been a bit of a Martha as well - out of the story of Jesus, Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). I've been trying to find God through all these means and find restoration impossibly, and it has come to no avail. I've been Thomas, who's seen God and all His movements, in my life and in others, and yet I still doubt... and I just don't know what to do any more. I don't want to lay down. I don't want to give up. I don't want to slip into my old past, or let a new future come full of all the mistakes I have done and more... but I don't know how to stay out of this fiery storm that is blowing my way and a part of me is willing to stand on the bonfire and receive the scorching flames.

But what about you? Are you rebellious? How are you rebellious? Is God telling you something that with your mindset seems too hard?

My step at the moment is to not take another step. I do not want to delete friends or updates I get on people because it hurts, which it sometimes does, but I do love seeing what God is doing in their lives and the lives of others through them. I do not want to become bitter and resilient to a loving touch because of pain. I do not want to declare that I will never do YWAM or anything to do with God because I am not good enough, and I do not want to become that rebellious (or rebellious at all) that I can't even find God in nature, which seems to be the only place I can see Him in my own life at the moment. So these are my steps, and out of curiosity, not hypocrisy, what are yours? What are you doing to find God and make Him more a part of your life? How is He incorporated into your life - a weekly appointment on Sundays? A half hour every day? Or every second of your life? Or like my YWAM room mate, whom I love heaps did, she made weekly dates with God where she'd dress up and plan a meal and everything to share with her beloved! So what are you doing?

A quick question posed...

DO YOU THINK A REBELLIOUS ATTITUDE AFFECTS OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD?

How?

(Image obtained from http://duplexchick.com/files/2011/02/question-box1-300x300.jpg, it is not my own).

A Discovery of Age. A Discovery of Growth.

Over the last few days I am realising that I'm more like a child than an adult. Sure I may be the age of an adult and have the knowledge close to an adult's intellect, but I have the mentality of a child. To be honest, after living out of home for just over 3 years, I don't think I was ready to move out of home.

I moved out because it seemed easy. I wouldn't yell at Mum, I wouldn't cause tension, the travel was less... it was easier... it appeared more convenient. But I wasn't ready to move out. I was running away. Running away from conflict. Running away from hurt. Running away because flight appeared easier than fight. Who knew that one day I'd realise that I'd still have to fight... I'd just have to fight with all the issues that caused flight, weighing on me too.

That is not much fun, in fact I believe it's harder now because when you're trying to deal with the issue you're still stuck in the age of that which you first flew instead of fighting, and so rationality, logic, and emotions are all tied in together and blended together, so that it's harder to see the clear border between it all.

(I wasn't going to bring God into this mind bubble of thoughts at all, but I believe that...)

The same could go with God...

How often do we run away from God - whether we realise it or not? We may not have run away from God in the sense of saying 'I hate You God, I'm going to do what I want to do", nor may we have had God tell us clearly to do something and gone "Nup! That's too hard. I don't want to do that. I'm not going to do that. Maybe later..." But what about our fear?

As I've said above, we may not have been asked by God directly to do something, and out of fear or feeling of incompetency refused, but at the same time how much do we let fear hinder us? God may not have told us to do something... but we may be limiting our potential, the potential that God gave us, and thus God, by fear, which limits God and His movement in us!

For example, asking and going for help may appear too hard, so we don't. Seeing a stranger in need, when we're with friends, may put us in the bad books with that group of friends (afraid of people's opinion) and so we pretend we haven't seen that stranger in need. Stepping into unknown territory - new city/ new job/ new church/ new school / mission trip / uni course, etc. may appear too daunting, not worth the fear and awkwardness involved, and so we stay where we're comfortable, but at the same time uncomfortable, because we're hurting / we're feeling stunted and not growing / we're getting bullied / we're bored / we're feeling alone / we're feeling hopeless, etc. Don't stay - MOVE!!!

Staying is saying that you don't believe God has your hand in His hand. It is saying that you don't trust that in these difficult circumstances and fears of the unknown, that you know God does know what is going on; He does have your best interests in mind; and He only gives good gifts, even if they do hurt at first because not all growth and healing is pain free - sometimes the bad bits have to be cut off first; the diamond's rock edges have to be sanded off before the real gem can truly shine, with all of God's original intention!

Staying limits God! Not doing anything is like treading water - you can swim backwards to where you've been, but know that that's the location that caused you the most pain and got you into this mess to start off with; or you can just tread water, where you're comfy at the moment, but your energy will soon run out and you'll drown, or get caught in a rip (very strong current) which will take you back to where you were, where you don't really want to be; OR you can swim forward, towards a rescuing island, which like God, has what you need to survive the rough seas of confusion and exhaustion!

This has become my goal over the last year... every time I fear physical things - no matter how scary, I force myself to attempt them - to do it! Because I know that it'll grow me and if I don't do it, then I'll regret the missed opportunity, because you wonder how that opportunity may have affected you, shaped you, stretched you, made you grow...

Fears over physical obstacles, aka physical fears, I find a lot more easier to deal with and push myself to overcome; but emotional and spiritual fears I find a lot more challenging to take on in battle and so this is my declaration, that I will be treading water no more, because I want to know and believe God does have the best interests in mind for me and actually step out in faith and action and believe!!!

(My game face is on... GO THE BLUES!!!)