Rebellion ~ There's a Rebellious Root Hidden Within... One to bedug up and burnt to begin with

(RANDOM THOUGHTS... from 6/1/2012)

I've never really thought of myself as rebellious, not in the way that society defines rebellious. If I didn't have a teacher agree with me at school, or let me get my way, I accepted, understanding that they had the authority and knew best for that situation. I didn't do graffiti, or drugs, or try to skank anyone up... I did get into swearing a bit in primary school, which has been a habit that the sails can blow fully if I don't watch it, but that was partly due to just wanting to fit in with the crowd of friends I had.

However the last 24 hours have brought further thoughts on rebellion to light. My walk with God. Right now I want to throw in the towel. Give up. It seems too hard. Life seems too hard. No, I am not suicidal. I am just frustrated... call it rebellious! I don't understand what is happening, what is going on, where I am meant to be, or who I am... and I know that that's meant to be okay. I don't have to know, no one does, except God... but sometimes knowing that God knows isn't the most comforting thought. It isn't right now.

For almost a week I have struggled with God. I have felt that I am to take time out and spend time with Him, but I can't. I can't, because my attitude stinks and is making it seem impossible or improbable and unimportant/unfruitful. I know that reading the Bible should help my situation, but I get stuck on where to read and what to do. There is something repulsive about doing this. Something that seems to scream further pain and death. I get stuck on the fruitfulness of it all and the point of trying to connect with someone when it feels so isolating. I get so stuck that I don't even bother... I'll slip into watching television shows, movies, reading books, saving encouraging photos, slipping into old comfort habits - one involving eating food, even though I'm not hungry, or just staring at facebook waiting for someone to upload a status (for almost half an hour)... to just fill in the time... to just try to avoid what I know I need to do, because I don't know what else to do. It's pathetic! But it's also rebellious.

I can't remember what my thoughts were on this last night, but I realised that I've got a rebellious root inside of me. A root which I know has affected my relationship with God and wants to make me vomit up a vengeance of hurtful, hateful words, but I know not what the source nor what the words would contain, just the feeling of regurgitation at the back of the throat. What is this rebellion and where did it come from?

The picture of the closed fist holds close to my character lately... If I am frustrated (more with myself or God, than anyone else) I will lash out... not in tongue, but in action, and it is something I've had to work on. It's an act of violence against authority - I am still working out where I got a dislike for authority, because I hadn't realised I had any negative feelings towards authority until the last few months passed, but it is definitely one big can of worms.

There's the story of Jonah (also symbolised in most people's minds by a big fish, or a whale) which displays rebellion to God. God told Jonah to go to Ninevah... Jonah ran in the opposite direction to Ninevah, which didn't make Jonah's path easy at all (thanks Cookie for the lift up). In this story, this factual event of life that actually did happen, Jonah rebelled against God, but he was also running out of fear. How often do we run? How often do I run? I run a lot... I didn't realise it, but I do. I haven't done much physical running lately... actually I haven't done any, but I have ran a lot spiritually and relationally, and that is rebellion... knowing that you should be doing something and avoiding it at all costs. Who knew fear ties in with rebellion? I sure didn't!

I run because I'm scared; I don't know what the future holds; and so I run to where I feel comfortable, which is sometimes running away from everyone, physically and mentally... I am realising today that I don't know where God is in my life; I don't know who He is; and part of me doesn't care because I've tried getting to know Him and I can't hack it anymore... which won't end very well... it would probably turn into Jonah's story very quickly... good thing there's no whales nearby... But I also realise I've been a bit of a Martha as well - out of the story of Jesus, Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). I've been trying to find God through all these means and find restoration impossibly, and it has come to no avail. I've been Thomas, who's seen God and all His movements, in my life and in others, and yet I still doubt... and I just don't know what to do any more. I don't want to lay down. I don't want to give up. I don't want to slip into my old past, or let a new future come full of all the mistakes I have done and more... but I don't know how to stay out of this fiery storm that is blowing my way and a part of me is willing to stand on the bonfire and receive the scorching flames.

But what about you? Are you rebellious? How are you rebellious? Is God telling you something that with your mindset seems too hard?

My step at the moment is to not take another step. I do not want to delete friends or updates I get on people because it hurts, which it sometimes does, but I do love seeing what God is doing in their lives and the lives of others through them. I do not want to become bitter and resilient to a loving touch because of pain. I do not want to declare that I will never do YWAM or anything to do with God because I am not good enough, and I do not want to become that rebellious (or rebellious at all) that I can't even find God in nature, which seems to be the only place I can see Him in my own life at the moment. So these are my steps, and out of curiosity, not hypocrisy, what are yours? What are you doing to find God and make Him more a part of your life? How is He incorporated into your life - a weekly appointment on Sundays? A half hour every day? Or every second of your life? Or like my YWAM room mate, whom I love heaps did, she made weekly dates with God where she'd dress up and plan a meal and everything to share with her beloved! So what are you doing?

A Discovery of Age. A Discovery of Growth.

Over the last few days I am realising that I'm more like a child than an adult. Sure I may be the age of an adult and have the knowledge close to an adult's intellect, but I have the mentality of a child. To be honest, after living out of home for just over 3 years, I don't think I was ready to move out of home.

I moved out because it seemed easy. I wouldn't yell at Mum, I wouldn't cause tension, the travel was less... it was easier... it appeared more convenient. But I wasn't ready to move out. I was running away. Running away from conflict. Running away from hurt. Running away because flight appeared easier than fight. Who knew that one day I'd realise that I'd still have to fight... I'd just have to fight with all the issues that caused flight, weighing on me too.

That is not much fun, in fact I believe it's harder now because when you're trying to deal with the issue you're still stuck in the age of that which you first flew instead of fighting, and so rationality, logic, and emotions are all tied in together and blended together, so that it's harder to see the clear border between it all.

(I wasn't going to bring God into this mind bubble of thoughts at all, but I believe that...)

The same could go with God...

How often do we run away from God - whether we realise it or not? We may not have run away from God in the sense of saying 'I hate You God, I'm going to do what I want to do", nor may we have had God tell us clearly to do something and gone "Nup! That's too hard. I don't want to do that. I'm not going to do that. Maybe later..." But what about our fear?

As I've said above, we may not have been asked by God directly to do something, and out of fear or feeling of incompetency refused, but at the same time how much do we let fear hinder us? God may not have told us to do something... but we may be limiting our potential, the potential that God gave us, and thus God, by fear, which limits God and His movement in us!

For example, asking and going for help may appear too hard, so we don't. Seeing a stranger in need, when we're with friends, may put us in the bad books with that group of friends (afraid of people's opinion) and so we pretend we haven't seen that stranger in need. Stepping into unknown territory - new city/ new job/ new church/ new school / mission trip / uni course, etc. may appear too daunting, not worth the fear and awkwardness involved, and so we stay where we're comfortable, but at the same time uncomfortable, because we're hurting / we're feeling stunted and not growing / we're getting bullied / we're bored / we're feeling alone / we're feeling hopeless, etc. Don't stay - MOVE!!!

Staying is saying that you don't believe God has your hand in His hand. It is saying that you don't trust that in these difficult circumstances and fears of the unknown, that you know God does know what is going on; He does have your best interests in mind; and He only gives good gifts, even if they do hurt at first because not all growth and healing is pain free - sometimes the bad bits have to be cut off first; the diamond's rock edges have to be sanded off before the real gem can truly shine, with all of God's original intention!

Staying limits God! Not doing anything is like treading water - you can swim backwards to where you've been, but know that that's the location that caused you the most pain and got you into this mess to start off with; or you can just tread water, where you're comfy at the moment, but your energy will soon run out and you'll drown, or get caught in a rip (very strong current) which will take you back to where you were, where you don't really want to be; OR you can swim forward, towards a rescuing island, which like God, has what you need to survive the rough seas of confusion and exhaustion!

This has become my goal over the last year... every time I fear physical things - no matter how scary, I force myself to attempt them - to do it! Because I know that it'll grow me and if I don't do it, then I'll regret the missed opportunity, because you wonder how that opportunity may have affected you, shaped you, stretched you, made you grow...

Fears over physical obstacles, aka physical fears, I find a lot more easier to deal with and push myself to overcome; but emotional and spiritual fears I find a lot more challenging to take on in battle and so this is my declaration, that I will be treading water no more, because I want to know and believe God does have the best interests in mind for me and actually step out in faith and action and believe!!!

(My game face is on... GO THE BLUES!!!)

A Change of Plans; A Change in Directions; In God I Trust!

Hi all,

How is everyone going? Life here in Newcastle has so far been an interesting journey. One, not quite yet over, but taking a completely different directional turn of events.

Whilst my school, the Compassion DTS, of 18 people, are going on outreach (9 of them being my team that is heading to Byron Bay, Toowoomba and Cambodia); I will not be joining them on this adventure. Nor will I be staying at the YWAM Newcastle base for debrief and commissioning, as is what usually happens after outreach. Instead I will be taking a different path. I don’t know yet what that path is exactly, nor am I writing this update to seek pity or sympathy, or any other emotion, but I am letting you know, as you have supported me currently, and in the past, for several reasons.

One, is to let you know that my plans have changed.

Two, is for those of you who have supported me in the lecture phase, thank you! Your money did not go to waste… do not feel like it did. Whilst part of me is struggling with the thought that this was a complete waste of time, I KNOW God is doing something, and it started here at YWAM Newcastle. I have learnt so much here, and it is somewhere in my head (and hopefully making its way down to my heart), and I have you to thank, for giving me this opportunity to get to know God more; to know Him more on a personal level and not just on a theological level (that we often slip into).

Three, is for those of you who gave me money specifically for outreach. I have already contacted you if your money did go towards outreach fees, and it should be in your email inbox now. Please let me know what your decision is. I am happy if you want your money back, but I will also be blessed and will accept it, if you want your money to go into the account I’ve set up for when I do complete a DTS or do some other God-called mission trip. I will not spend any of this money, unless God leads me into doing something for Him again (it is set aside for God-called work), which I am trusting and believing He will, as I have no reason to be alive, except by His grace and glory. This is not me giving up something because it’s hard. I am not giving up. This is me, changing direction, to seek further help, with the advice, encouragement, and support of YWAM Newcastle, on being restored more physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, where YWAM is not equipped to do so.

And fourthly, I am telling you this, because I would really appreciate your prayer and support. I don’t need any discouragement, as my mind is creating enough of that already, nor do I want you feeling sorry for me, as it’s another “incomplete” thing… but your prayers would be greatly appreciated. I have no idea what God has in store for me. All I know is that right now it’s not YWAM outreach, and it’s probably trying to get some holistic help so that I can be who God originally created me to be. Whether that is in NSW, or WA, or Vic, or outside of Australia, I don’t know. All I know is that who I am right now, how I feel (incomplete and broken) is not how God wants me to feel or what He’s made me to be.

Part of this update is also for my YWAM school mates (Compassion DTS). You guys are absolute legends. Whilst I struggled to connect with you at first, and was delegated as the tour guide (which I did enjoy), I can never replace the time I’ve had with you guys, with anything better. I know I was here for a reason. I know that each of you have taught or inspired me. I also know that you guys will do amazing things on outreach (and after). You are so God-focused, it’s AMAZING! Keep letting Him be your guide, your fore-runner. Let Him be the scout in front of your army. Follow in His footsteps.

I know I should have told you guys (Compassion DTS) this on Wednesday, when I told you that I wouldn’t be joining you on outreach, but I also have a tendency to push people away, and I have been doing it a little bit the last few (4) weeks, more this week, and will probably also do it next week too. I am not pushing you away because I don’t want you, or have been hurt by you, but because I don’t do well with leaving people, with saying goodbye (remember ‘rejection’ coming up in Father’s Heart of God week?). It’s more a subconscious thing… which ends up hurting me more in the long run (as I sometimes think I am the one being pushed away) and it’s something I am trying to work on (ask some of my best friends – I did it before I came to DTS). So I am letting you know now, so if you think I’m behaving a certain way because of something you have or haven’t done, it’s not because of you, it’s because I’m hurting and trying to put up security walls of protection out of insecurity… But remember that you have significantly and positively impacted me, and God will do amazing things with, for and through you – LET HIM!!!




I also want to say thanks to all of you who have supported me through this. Thank you to my prayer and financial supporters, for all the support you have given me in getting me here and staying here. I wish I could show you more gratitude than just a mention in this blog post… you guys have played a huge role in the changing of my life.






To the Compassion DTS leaders, thanks heaps (akun) for having the patience to put up with my struggles, and for trying to guide me onto the right path; for not letting me quit; for letting God speak through you to me, even when it seemed weird or I didn’t seem to accept the word that He had for me and hurt you through the process. Thank you for taking the time out of your life (even though it’s what God has called you to do) to minister to all of us and for obeying God – even when you were in a new phase of life and wanted a chance to settle into that new step of life.





Wanda nalu (thanks) to my team mates, for coming alongside the solo-Aussie and letting her into your groups of friendship; for dealing (and coping) with me when I was upset or isolating myself, and praying for me when I was unwell. Thanks for caring, when I didn’t deserve it.



And last but not least, thank you to all my friends and family back home. I know that you, of all people, would probably find this hardest to hear (and I haven’t told a lot of you – nor really anyone, even here in Newie, until now, because I don’t want to hurt you), but know that God has a reason for it – whilst I don’t know what it is, I am relying on Romans 8:28 and what I know of the character of God, that He will use this to bring His name glory, and it will all work out for good. I love you guys, with as much love as I understand, and am so thankful that God has placed you in my life throughout the years. You have each moulded me into the woman I am becoming today. Thank you so much!

Now back to the more 'formal' stuff...

As I have said above, I’ve learnt heaps, and when I’ve had a chance to process, know clearly what I have learnt (and it’s in my heart) I am hoping to post some of it here, to share with you what your support has helped me in. Two things that have surfaced a lot and have been slowly becoming clear in the last two months are that I cannot place God in a box and expect Him only to show up in a certain way, for if I do that then I might as well be like a horse with blinkers on… unable to see fully, and potentially missing out on what God actually wants to show me. The other thing is that Jesus is a rescuer… I don’t know how He is a rescuer yet… but I am believing that He will rescue me. I do know that He’s rescued us all from our sins and we have authority, under His name, to step out from that bondage… we don’t need to live in our sin; we are not held down by our past or our family’s past… we are a new creation; we are FREE in JESUS’ name!

Whilst I don’t know what the next few months entail; whilst I came here in hope that God would show Himself to me and give me steps to take for the future… a guide of what He has in store for me; whilst everything is up in the air, and I at this moment, I am angry and hurt with God (and trying to deal with it), I am also trusting in Him, as there is no one else in this World who knows what all of us should be doing AND still loves us, even when we’ve walked away from Him and His path for our lives. So at the moment all I know is that I am trusting God, and whilst I’m looking at different options, the only definite option I have and know at the moment is to trust in God!

Again, thank you for all your support in getting me and keeping me here, and for the love you have shown me (whether you’ve known me for only a couple of months, or for my whole life), it’s meant a lot!

I hope to hear how your lives are going and what you’ve been up to while I’m been away. Have a very merry Christmas and a blessed New Years and GBUG (God Bless U Good).

Kara

Some videos we've watched in class this week:

Both are different, but both have a point. How often do we stay silent about what we know is not right? What we know needs to be shared?!?!


Too Young to Wed: The Secret World of Child Brides

One Minute Gospel!

How Time Flies...

In all honesty, I cannot believe how quickly the time has flown...
With one wedding already been (Gordon, and Mum's), and one on its way (Peter & Gen's), it still feels like YWAM is months away still. However, I know this is not true...

Within 5 days, I will be flying to Newcastle, to begin an adventure of a life time! Whilst I feel that I am no where near ready, I know I will probably never feel ready to accept this mission (due to my high standards), so I am going into this mission fully trusting God!

Accommodation, transport, and friends, have all been stitched together by God's hands, to make me feel more at home (and also at rest). I don't have to panic about being forgotten at the Newcastle Airport (which sadly I had been previously), late at night, because I am catching the same plane from Brisbane, with two people. One being Cookie (Michael Cooke, from Sydney, Australia), who I have spent a couple of years getting to know, through Student Life's inter-uni relationships with Universities all around Australia and the World, and the second being Dieuwke, who is one of my leaders, both of whom are heading back to the Newcastle YWAM base. Thanks God. :)

I also feel a lot more at peace at fitting in at the base. I have been talking to a few of the girls and one or two of the guys, that I'll be sharing the journey with, and am discovering that we have similar fears. Fears of not fitting in; not knowing what to pack; not having the money all raised in time; not liking it; evangelising; not being spiritually ready; saying goodbye to friends at home, and wondering if we'll still be friends when we get back; etc.

I have also had fun explaining to some Americans and Canadians, the differences that Australia has, compared to their home country... it is really amusing, and eye opening, to realise the vast amount of differences there are in the western world, even though we have the same fast food shops, same clothes, same language and technology, and almost similarly the same culture. It's really exciting to know the experiences that are to be in store :)

My friends up in Toowoomba, have also decided to arrange a farewell party for me, which has touched me so unbelieveably, and the fact that there are more than 2 or 3 people coming to it, has also touched me, and encouraged me to keep going. It is all so close, and whilst I am nervous about the unknown coming, I am excited at learning to give all my fears and anguishes to God, and to learn to trust Him, in this adventure He has prepared for my feet.

Until another free moment in time,
GBUG
Kara

Children at Risk (Battambang - Cambodia) Video

As most of you know, Cambodia has left an imprint on my heart, and will always tug my heart strings. This video was created by the Battambang (North East Cambodia) University of Nations (YWAM's tertiary study facility, similar to our TAFE, University, etc.), where it represents just a snipit of what Cambodia is like and the need that has not yet been filled in Cambodia, as well as other parts of the world!

This is something I know I am on this planet to do. What I cannot do physically, monetarily, or spiritually; I can do with the gifts God has given me. I want to genuinely care for those who are looking for love and a purpose in life. Whilst I still have not worked out what my purpose in life is yet, I am using what I have, and hoping God fills in the rest.

If we each do what we can, who knows what the world would look like!


Map of Cambodia, with Battambang in red.

Children at risk from uofnbattambang on Vimeo.

August 2011 Newsletter!!!

Dear friends and family,

How are you? Can you believe how fast these last few months have flown by?

I know I said that I would send a follow up letter in July, but with the announcement of Mum’s engagement to one very lucky Gordon Beckett, and their upcoming wedding before October; a friend’s wedding in October, in which as part of the bridal party there is a lot of tango-ing and twister-ing, in getting ready before I leave; wrapping up work at the refectory; moving house; getting in the quarter finals with the church soccer competition; watching and looking after my health; and fighting Centrelink, well let’s just say a lot has been happening and this letter has just taken awhile to be produced.

Thankfully God does not put us on the back burner when He’s busy. He always seems to have time for us and has our best interests in mind. For me, it’s been seeing God’s provision when things aren’t going as planned. To have, with your prayer and support, 39% of the full $8450 raised, without my follow up, is a God send. THANK YOU so much!!! It’s truly been a blessing and means I only need a further 8% ($648.55) before October 4, for the class/lecture phase, and then the rest (53%) by November 10.

Another thing God has been teaching me is conversational prayer and trusting Him; to not get caught on the nitty gritty bits in the Bible, as hard as that is for me.

So, for the next few weeks, these are my main goals.

• To learn to include God in everything. Telling Him what I’m feeling, when I’m feeling it.
• To trust, know and believe God will provide everything, including the remaining lecture fees ($648.55) before October 4; as is the same with the outreach fees ($4225), before November 10, 2011, whether that be through you, your prayers, or some other means, which only God knows, and in only God can I trust.

If you would like to support me, through prayer or finance, please let me know.

My email address is rakaah@gmail.com, this email is also my paypal account contact email. My

mobile number and postal address can be obtained from privately emailing me or leaving me a comment, with your forwarding email address. If you would like to directly deposit into my YWAM bank account please email me also for this detail.

Thank you for your prayers and support,

Until next time,
GBUG (God Bless U Good)
Kara Martin

A Working Process...

My aim, with this blog, is to give you an encounter of YWAM, God's footsteps and what is actually just happening in my life. I want you to share the YWAM experience with me, and I also want to keep a record of the growing that will occur. So, whilst I'm at YWAM, my goal is to update this blog, at least weekly, with what is happening, what I'm learning, what God is doing, the big stuff!!! It's scary, but it is going to be good! With just over a month to go, the pathway is slowly becoming more obvious! :)

Prayer and Praise Points (Friday 12th of August, 2011)

I'm wanting to create brief sections in my newsletters on prayer and praise points. Three points I need prayer on, and three praise points for either prayer being answered, or something else that has happened :)

For example, three prayer points for me at the moment are the following:
1. To have my heart opened, so that I can hear God, know that it's God, and accept that it's God. To also be still enough (which means being able to shut down my over-working ticker) and silent enough to hear Him.

2. To get my health in order - physical and mental. To be able to control my diabetes steadily and not have it do random psychotic abnormalities, as it is doing at the moment. To not have the fear of a hypoglycaemic leading up to YWAM and whilst I'm on YWAM... to be short, complete healing would be nice, but my faith at the moment doesn't see it being possible... Mentally, to get into a pattern of speaking words of life into my life, and not letting satan get such a grip of negativity, poor self-esteem, etc. To not allow the depression to take the reigns in my life, but God to be the master of the carriage!

3. To trust that God will have the remaining 61% come in. That the lecture fees I need before October 4th (which I think is around $900) will come in time, and that Centrelink stuff is sorted ASAP.


PRAISE POINTS

1. 39% of support has already been raised.

2. God has become more of a front runner in my daily life, rather than the 'thing' I turn to only once a day, or when things aren't working out.

3. I'm actually now more excited for YWAM... even though I'm a bit scared... I'm REALLY looking forward to seeing God's footprints and how, when and where He moves! (and also meeting some really cool people)! :P

So I'm hoping to have this section in each of the newsletters I send out, via email or snail, so that if you don't have time to read the whole newsletter, you can read the summary of what's happening and what needs to happen. You can also join me in prayer, if you desire... the more the merrier :)

If you have any prayer requests, please send me an email... I'm creating a 5 year old idea of a prayer chart which I'm hoping I can stick on my wall, or something, where it's there for me to see and pray whenever I have a spare second, and would love to know how you're going/what's happening in your life. Just a hello would even be nice :) Looking forward to hearing from you!

GBUG

The Months Unspoken Now Spoken

How does one start, when so much has happened since I last wrote? What does one say, that may appeal and not bore those who will read this? I guess there is no better way to start then with what has happened...

In the last few months, almost a year, that I have seriously been considering on going to YWAM, I have been told and also have been telling myself to wait until I was stable, until I was sure that God was directing me to YWAM, before putting in an application. However, this has also added stress on what I can and can't do, as everything is up in the air and I don't want to commit to anything that I could not be certain that I would be available for.

I had already narrowed down the YWAM base choices to Norton Hills, Adelaide, South Australia (Justice and Mercy DTS), Newcastle (Outdoor DTS, Compassion DTS), Darwin, Townsville (Ship DTS), and Byron Bay. With these five bases and six DTSs, I knew it would not be easy to identify which base, if any, that I'd be going to this year (2011). So I started to try and just make healthy choices, or choices that appeared to be fruitful, whether in refinding my identity, building my relationship with God, learning good coping strategies, and conflict resolution strategies and confrontational confidence, amongst other things, and whilst to date (21/6/2011), not all have been completed; some have been undertaken and have also narrowed down the choices in YWAM bases.

One of the undertaken healthy -development for future choices was doing a Life Keys, Care Force, Recovery Program - Woman to Woman course (founded by Allan and Helen Meyers), which in small groups, covered topics like...

1. The Arena of Healing
2. Functional and Dysfunctional Family Dynamics
3. Coping Strategies of the Child and Adult
4. Denial and Anger
5. Rebuilding After Grief and Loss
6. The Influence of Shame
7. Overcoming Co-dependency
8. Sexuality and Intimacy
9. Forgiveness - Letting Go
10. Stepping into the Future

This was a ten week course, which automatically meant that out of the three short-listed bases

• Newcastle's Compassion DTS;
• Norton Summit's Justice and Mercy DTS; and
• Townsville's Ship DTS,

two of them I could not do, due to the fact that I was engaged in the woman to woman course, which I would not drop out of. This left me with just the Newcastle Compassion DTS.

Even with only one of my short listed three choices being available, I still wasn't sure if God was behind it. I didn't want to jump in, if God wasn't going to be there to catch me, but I also didn't want to be too afraid to get near the water's edge and basque in God's opinion of beauty.

It was the slowly building friendship with the compassion DTS leader, Tessa Meakins, that finally gave me the guts to start filling in my application, and to full prepare the application, in expectation of being fully accepted. Even though I had my doubts and hesitancies, Tessa had been able to answer every question I had, that would've made me reconsider YWAM altogether. So having no mind changing questions lefts, I had nothing else to do except to have a go at filling out the application.


The application process isn't just a simple tick and cross application. It has a few components. From medical history to police checks, children checks, and agreements to answering the following questions:

1. Please describe your Christian experience and present relationship with the Lord. Give month and year of conversion.
2. What noticeable changes have you experienced since then?
3. What areas of your character are you presently seeking God to further develop?
4. Do you feel God has given you, or is leading you into any particular area of ministry at YWAM Newcastle and in general?
5. Describe Christian work you have done.
6. How do you feel you adapt and respond to changes in situations and new environments?
7. Do you feel called to serve God full-time in ministry/missions? Give details.

I also had to get three references. One being a friend, another a teacher/employer, and then a pastoral reference. Having been diagnosed with depression, I also needed a doctor's reference. All four of the references shocked me with their commendations and support.

With police checks and passport also obtained quickly and easily, apart from being a bit more lighter in pocket, things have come across easily, encouraging me to think more that maybe God is behind this, but there was still some uncertainty.

About a week before I submitted my application, I got an email from Darwin YWAM however, asking me how I was going and that they had been praying for me, as a potential YWAM student (due to interest I'd shown in one of their DTSs earlier in the year). Three things that God had told them was:

1. Psalm 91
   (¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
   will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^{[a]
   2} I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
   my God, in whom I trust.”

   ³ Surely he will save you
   from the fowler’s snare
   and from the deadly pestilence.
   ⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
   and under his wings you will find refuge;
   his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
   ⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
   nor the arrow that flies by day,
   ⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
   nor the plague that destroys at midday.
   ⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
   ten thousand at your right hand,
   but it will not come near you.
   ⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
   and see the punishment of the wicked.

   ⁹ If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
   and you make the Most High your dwelling,
   ¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
   no disaster will come near your tent.
   ¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
   to guard you in all your ways;
   ¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
   so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
   ¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
   you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

   ¹⁴ “Because he^[b] loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
   I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
   ¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
   I will be with him in trouble,
   I will deliver him and honor him.
   ¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
   and show him my salvation.”)

2. be open to the plans God has for you - don't hold back.
   
3. Nothing is impossible with God

This email had caused a bit of fear, as I wondered if it was a warning that I wouldn't be accepted. That this wasn't God's plan for me, leaving me stuck in anxiety and disarray.
However, I knew I could not pull out. That I'd already come this far and there was no point quitting. Even though I wanted to pull out so many times, especially in the time from putting my application in, to being accepted, I had to tell myself, be reminded and still tell myself that God is in control of this all and to trust in Him with everything I had and am still to have.

So now I am at the spot of support raising, trusting in God and knowing His will, will be done. I am no saint among sinners, or a saint among saints, or a saint at all for a matter of fact... I'm just like you, a child of God, just wanting to give everything I have and work for the Lord!

A journey. A God's child's story. A Beginning of an Adventure.

Dear Readers,

This is my ‘following Jesus’ blog.  I want this blog to detail my walk with God, in particular in what I believe He has in store for my life.  It may not be all clear and dandy, in fact I don’t expect it to be nor want it to be.  If it is, I don’t think I am moving forward and that is not right.  Life is always to be challenging.  It is always going to have something to strive towards.  If not, it is like treading water, which leads to no where and when exhausted, will only result in death.  There is always something to learn!

This blog will contain my thoughts, plans and possible aspirations.  I want to be able to keep friends and family in the loop of how I am going with my potential plans to joining YWAM (Youth With A Mission – www.ywam.org.au), which YWAM I am attending, and how God is moving in and around me… it is going to be one CRAZY, FUN, and EXCITING ADVENTURE!!!

So right now I am at the stage of utter confusion and overwhelming opportunities… there are so many choices, it is crazy.  If life now was only like it was fifty years ago, where it WAS simple, and there were limited choices, so therefore you had to know where you were going and stick with it… but in some ways I thank God that it’s not.  I can’t keep wishing things were different because then I’ll never live… I’ll only compare myself to others, to the past, present or future… so I should probably just explain who I am, what I am doing and where I am right now… and maybe where I hope to go.

WHO AM I?

I am a LOVED child of God.  I am slowly having to realise this AND believe this… even if I have struggled with it in the past (subconsciously) and do struggle with it in the present (consciously), IT IS THE TRUTH!!!  God DOES love me and God (the one and only Jesus Christ) DOES love you!!!

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be used by God.  I didn’t want to be stuck in an ordinary day job.  I wanted to make a difference in people’s lives.  I wanted to help people!

I used to love reading biographies of David Livingstone, Christopher Columbus, John Wesley, Nate Saint, Harriet Tubman, Todd and DeAnn Burke (their story of ‘Anointed for Burial’), Eric Liddell, Billy Graham, Abraham Lincoln, the list goes on…  Reading these books gave me a small passion… It gave me a dream… a thrill… and an excitement.  Even through these godly people’s hard times, in looking at their lives, I thought it would be an awesome life of adventure to live.

At first, I thought it would be through possible dream jobs like police officer, navy officer, army officer, nurse, paramedic, doctor, teacher, etc. but slowly all of these aspirations slowly fell apart one by one; either by likes or dislikes, what I was and was not allowed to do, health, or physical capabilities.   I started to lose interest in trying to fulfil my aspirations; in trying to find any sort of direction in life.  I was ready to just give it up, and let life slowly drivel past.  It just didn’t seem to make any sense… to have a mind full of aspirations, only to have them never succeed.  To feel like I was following what God has planned for me, where things seemed to slip in place perfectly, sometimes uncannily, only to have it fall apart later. 

I was sick of the roller coaster life of aiming and failing, and I still am, but I guess in some ways I am slowly learning (and relearning) to just trust God, give it ALL to God, and know that He has my life already predestined, already with every second recorded in His book of life… and whilst, at times, I wonder if this means that I just wait for God to say “GO!”, doing nothing until He does... I know that I should not be completely idle, even if it does patronise me taking false steps and feeling like I’m tiptoeing everywhere…

So where does this leave me now? 

At the moment, after trying three different university degrees, I have decided Uni is not for me.  I am not planning on going back, nor do I want to.  While that shocks a lot of people and I have lost respect in a few people, that’s okay, because I know Uni is not for me… not at this moment anyway, and why should I do something which is not for me, only for the sake of saying that I have completed university, taken away a piece of paper, and followed along the general 2008 high school graduates pattern where we were told that once finishing Year twelve you have to go to university to be anybody. 

In my life, God comes (and should come) first and then my health.  I have already taken six months of Uni off, in which I aimed for these six months to be focused on getting better, both physically and spiritually.  I wanted to rebuild my relationship with God, Jesus, Yahweh, Emmanuel, (the whole entity).  However, these past six months did not go as planned.  I lost focus and motivation, I was over life, and I tried to kill myself multiple times.  I am not proud of what I have done or did, nor am I seeking pity, sorrow, attention, grace, et cetera.  This is just something that needs to be said, because it will also be the foundation of the view of God’s foot prints in the sand.  It is the starting point to see who I was, and how God is growing in me, and how I am growing in the Lord.  It will be completely His work with who I become, and all in His (God’s) glory.

YWAM you may say… well yeah, YWAM.  I can now say it clearly, not quite boldly (yet) but it is better than not being able to say it at all :D.

But this has not always been the case.  For those of you who knew about the two mission trips (Cambodia and India) with TMI (Teen Missions International Australia – www.teenmissions.com.au) that I went on whilst at school, you may or may not have known what my stance was when I first heard about YWAM during this life stage. 

Strolling the grass paths of stalls at AGMF (Australian Gospel Music Festival), now known as Easterfest, I was introduced to the idea of YWAM (Youth With A Mission) whilst talking among friends.  A lot of these friends were people I had gone on Teen Mission bootcamps with, and somehow the topic of YWAM came up.  For some reason I automatically concluded that I would never do YWAM… I came to this conclusion straight after my first trip with TMI.  I don’t know why, nor how.  All I had heard of YWAM was positive encounters expressed through TMI’s leaders, schoolmates, chaplains, friends, etc.  I believe and am sad to say that this poor lack of evidence stance of YWAM has remained strongly probably right up until a few months after one of my close school friends joined the YWAM Mitchelton base in Brisbane.

I was glad for my friend joining YWAM.  I was glad because she wasn’t giving in to what any one of the school’s, family’s, friend’s or work mates’ opinions that ‘YWAM was to be conducted only after tertiary studies, not before’, and I hugely respected and valued her for taking that stance and following through with her goals, motivations, and dreams.

Watching my friend’s journey with YWAM was amazing.  I was so blown at how she had grown, and how her relationship with God was growing, and yes, this was where the cookie started to crumble… this is where my opinion of YWAM slowly started to change, and yes, my friend did a little bit (or rather a lot) of whispering (and shouting) of encouragement and excitement - an introduction of how I should get involved with YWAM being included in all of that.

Along with a friend whispering in my ear, I believe God was doing a little bit of whispering Himself… I was just never still enough to listen to His whispering.  Every corner I turned, God’s whispering seemed to be there. 

• A friend’s YWAM experience. 
• First Summer Project I attended in 2009, outreaching to some of the schoolies, walking into a friend’s outreach, which her partner left for some reason, and she was feeling overwhelmed with the questions being asked.  I sat down in the group, in which a YWAM student was listening in, because she was Norwegian and was intrigued on the different evangelism methods.  We have remained friends ever since.
• 2010, Summer Projects – Outreach discipler of the group I was designated to had attended YWAM Vanuatu a few years earlier.  Great chats J
• 2010, Summer Projects – The first conversation I initiated was with a middle aged man, with two absolutely nice dogs, in the middle of a schoolie infested park.  He was the pastor of a Byron Bay church with the ministry focus on the youth.  It was near Byron Bay’s YWAM, which allowed the topic of YWAM and everything to do with YWAM to be talked about for over an hour.
• 2010, Summer Projects – a lot of friends made with YWAM students from Mitchelton, Byron Bay, South Australia, and a few other bases.  Close school friend was also there.

There are also others, I just cannot remember them right at this moment.

So I am currently planning on doing YWAM (Youth With A Mission) THIS year.  I don’t know fully when or where, but I know it will be this year.  It has been something I have, and still am praying about, and would appreciate your prayers as well.  In planning on doing YWAM, I have had a look at all the YWAM ministry focuses for Australia (and the World) and have narrowed it down to the following six ministry focuses, of the following five bases…

Byron Bay (New South Wales)

(September 14^th 2011 – March 9^th 2012)

The DTS is the place to be to grow in your faith!  Share the love of Christ with travelers from all over the world!  Hit up the surf in your spare time!  Grow closer to God in one of the most beautiful places on earth!  If you’re into adventure, exploration, and meeting new people from all over the world, then this school is for you! The school will both challenge and change you in many ways. It is a six month school designed to take you to a deeper place in your walk with God. The school is divided into 3 different parts:

1) The lecture phase - national and international speakers will come challenge and encourage you in areas such as; Hearing the Voice of God, Destiny, Prayer/Intercession, Worship, Spiritual Warfare, Missions/Evangelism, The Working and Power of the Holy Spirit to name just a few of the topics covered. The speakers won’t just teach and lecture from upfront but they are there to pray with you and chat one on one.

2) The outreach phase - a time when you get to get out there and share your own Christian experience with other travelers. This will be a time for you to put into practice what you’ve learned during the lectures. Taking the gospel to places where people have not had a chance to hear the name of Jesus, seeing God’s kingdom Expand. The outreach phase will be two-fold with both a focus here in Australia as well as overseas. Check out our Current News section to
see what the latest outreach team got up to.

 

3) Debriefing - is the third and last part of the school. A week or two at the end of the six months when the different outreach teams come back and tell of all their amazing experiences. A time of reflecting and learning from what happened on outreach. This time will also prepare and equip us all to go back home and keep the fire inside of us alive and burning. The D.T.S. will be both fun and challenging. Six months of your life set aside to get to Get to Know God and Make Him Known.

 

DTS Lecture Topics

• Hearing the Voice of God
• Character and nature of God
• Father heart of God - Identity in Christ
• Destiny and Purpose in Christ - Spiritual Warfare
• Holy Spirit
• How to study the and understand the Bible
• Biblical World View
• Laying down your Rights
• Missions
• Poor and the Needy
• Prayer and Intercession
• Worship - Evangelism
• Relationships
• Faith and finances

Besides lectures there will be intercession and prayer for the nations, worship, morning devotions, and small group gatherings. The evenings will be varied eg. additional lecture, personal studies, and some outreach in Byron. Weekends are normally free, unless a special ministry or field trip has been planned.

www.ywambyronbay.com

Darwin (Northern Territory)

Outback Adventure DTS (26 February – 13 August 2011)

ADVENTURE WITH PURPOSE

A Discipleship Training School is about living life to the full and stepping out of your comfort zone to make a difference in a hurting world.  Pursue all God has for you as you learn more about Him and then take His love to those in desperate need.

Our February DTS will have a youth ministries/outdoor adventure focus in the rugged outback of the Northern Territory.

During the lecture phase we will spend two weeks in a remote Aboriginal community camping out under the stars and sharing around a campfire as we learn more about indigenous Australian culture.  Join us in kayaking down the impressive Katherine Gorge or take a day tour to world famous Kakadu  National Park.

Come and transform your life while impacting lives of young people on the streets, backpackers travelling the road or teaching English to refugees adjusting to a new culture.

The adventure continues as you head to South East Asia where you might be four wheel driving through the mountains of East Timor or trekking through rugged terrain to a remote hill tribe village.

www.ywamoutback.org.au  

Norton Summit (South Australia)

Justice and Mercy DTS (May 11^th – October 21^st 2011)

Make a change for 6 months to step out of your comfort zone and step into God.
This Discipleship Training School will provide an opportunity for students to learn about God's heart for Justice and Mercy with a focus on Prostitution and Human Trafficking.

www.ywamsa.org.au

Newcastle (New South Wales)

Compassion DTS (4^th October 2011 – 17^th March 2012)

Does your heart break for the poor and needy of this world? Are you feeling like God is calling you to put your heart of mercy into action, but you don’t know where to start?
The Compassion DTS is a great first step as you seek out God’s calling for your life. Walk deeper along the journey that God has for you and draw closer to His heartbeat. Uncover the many opportunities available for those who are eager to reach out with compassion.
Example core curriculum topics include:-

• God's Nature and Character
• Building and Maintaining Godly Relationships
• God's Intentions for Individuals, Peoples, and Nations

Example “Compassion” sessions include:-

• The value of human life through the eyes of the creator.
• Bringing the promise of hope into a broken world.
• Addressing issues of poverty and injustice

OUTREACH

Compassion will fill every step, as you participate in an adventure into mercy focused missions.
From feeding orphans in Mozambique to praying for the sick in the leper colonies of India, there are endless opportunities to respond with God’s heart for the poor & needy.

Outdoor DTS (3^rd January – 16^th June 2012)

The Outdoors DTS is for the wild at heart, the outdoors lovers, the wilderness seekers and the God chasers. It will be an adventure that will equip you to use that same love and passion, to go share your first-hand revelation of God to the world!
Explore tracks, diverse riverbanks, rich lakeshores and a mountain all located on the 170 acres of exclusive lakefront property, Tahlee. Spend nights around a fire, while learning about the God who created us for adventure.
Example core curriculum topics include:-

• God's Nature and Character
• Building and Maintaining Godly Relationships
• God's Intentions for Individuals, Peoples, and Nations

Example “Outdoors” sessions include:-

• Lessons learnt in the wilderness
• Crazy Missions Opportunities in Global Frontiers
• Faith Lifestyles for Risk Takers

OUTREACH

Your passion for the great outdoors will take you to the hard to reach places, to the unreached and the left alone and forgotten peoples!
Whether it’s walking through jungles or climbing up the mountains, you will do it to get to forgotten people who desperately need the love of Jesus.

www.ywamnewcastle.com

Townsville (Queensland)

Ship DTS (April 3^rd – August 6^th 2011)

Be a part of an amazing community that sails around the Pacific to help the poor and disadvantaged. Experience some of your training right on board the ship, bunk up with your mates in the cabin, and eat meals prepared in the galley.

Whether you’re looking for an incredible adventure, or specifically desiring a way to combine your passion for health care and outreach, the YWAM Ship DTS is for you.
And get ready – because this ship has a medical clinic on board and as part of your DTS outreach, you’ll be visiting one of the most exotic places in the world – Papua New Guinea – where the YWAM Medical Ship is helping to provide life saving health care to some of the most remote areas of the country. With up to 1 in 7 women dying during childbirth, and 90% of the population affected by malaria, the need is great.
Don’t have a background in medical work? No worries! It takes a huge team of all sorts of gifts and passion to make this happen! We’re certain there’s a place for you!

www.ywamrto.org

Looking at each of these I get pangs of excitement.  I want to do them all.  I would love to do any of them.  But I know, to start off with, I need to and only can choose one.   So this is where the praying has been mainly happening and the listening has been a little bit fuzzy…  It is times like this I wish God would speak loudly and clearly and that I could listen with full attention devoted on Him at maximum volume!

At the moment, I am thinking of the following order:

Newcastle’s Compassion DTS, Norton Summit’s Justice and Mercy DTS, Townsville’s Ship DTS, Darwin’s Outback Adventure DTS, Newcastle’s Outdoor DTS, and Byron Bay’s classic DTS.  This order is not set in concrete though and flittingly changes regularly, almost as regularly as the weather or rather every time I’ll read one DTS’ ‘about me’ section.  (Further thoughts on each base and what attracts and detracts me will follow, in a different post… later.)

This has left me wondering which DTS (Discipleship Training School) I am to do.  Having been approved a University study medical waiver; I received my University fees back for four courses I had previously applied for.   These four courses, I was hoping would be enough to fully cover one YWAM DTS, and direct me to one DTS exactly.  However, the repayments provided would only be enough for about one month of the lecture phase (accommodation, food, internet, resources, etc.), meaning that support raising would be needed for the rest of the six months of the YWAM DTS.  I believe that this is a trust and faith lesson that God has in store for me and I look forward to growing in my relationship with Him.  If you have any questions, comments or enquiries, please feel free to leave a comment on this page, email me at w0079077@umail.usq.edu.au, kargie_friends@hotmail.com, http://peace-truth-love.tumblr.com/ or skype me.  I look forward to keeping you in the loop of what God is doing. 

GBUG (God Bless U Good)

Kara Martin