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Tuesday, December 05, 2017

Rumours, faith, hope, love and purpose

These last few months have been a tumultuous journey of exhilaration, excitement, fears, adrenaline, anxiety, shock, and frustration.  It has been where my priorities haven’t been the best priorities for the right time and I’ve let a lot of my values go (again)... a repetitive tumultuous journey that I seem to continually experience in multiple seasons of my life and one that I am still learning to conquer. To run to God and allow Him to be my all.

Twice within twenty four hours I have received an email “Why would God want to use me?” And whilst I am yet to open it this email haunts me.  It haunts me to know God would want to use me when I am running scared with my daily struggles... when I feel overwhelmed and lost by it all.  When I feel worthless and beyond reach... but these are also lies that I am fighting to allow myself to live and remembering that Jesus died for me because He saw purpose in me before I was born.

Rumours hurt and in the midst of these rumours there are leeches trying to attach and add to the lies. Leeches that are continually adding to the life sucking experience. To be honest life is hard right now, I have an exam the next three days that I don’t feel prepared for, a mark that I feel is waiting to be etched into further failures...a mark that I am trying not to allow into identifying me.

Similarities are where I’ve let my identity be. Not one of my choices I regret... but all of these choices have made me who I am. I hope one day these choices would make me even stronger and wiser and I hope that I would one day feel like I fit in with my colleagues with confidence and my own strength independent of everyone else. This is where the identity comes into it... this is where I am trying to do it all in my own strength forgetting God has ordained me with so much more regardless of who I currently feel I am. He’s ordained me with more than I can envisage. Hopefully one day I can fully walk into it.  I know the option is always there, I just have to choose it and trust that there’s better days ahead and like my saying says “KEEP GOING”.