Tuesday, December 05, 2017

Rumours, faith, hope, love and purpose

These last few months have been a tumultuous journey of exhilaration, excitement, fears, adrenaline, anxiety, shock, and frustration.  It has been where my priorities haven’t been the best priorities for the right time and I’ve let a lot of my values go (again)... a repetitive tumultuous journey that I seem to continually experience in multiple seasons of my life and one that I am still learning to conquer. To run to God and allow Him to be my all.

Twice within twenty four hours I have received an email “Why would God want to use me?” And whilst I am yet to open it this email haunts me.  It haunts me to know God would want to use me when I am running scared with my daily struggles... when I feel overwhelmed and lost by it all.  When I feel worthless and beyond reach... but these are also lies that I am fighting to allow myself to live and remembering that Jesus died for me because He saw purpose in me before I was born.

Rumours hurt and in the midst of these rumours there are leeches trying to attach and add to the lies. Leeches that are continually adding to the life sucking experience. To be honest life is hard right now, I have an exam the next three days that I don’t feel prepared for, a mark that I feel is waiting to be etched into further failures...a mark that I am trying not to allow into identifying me.

Similarities are where I’ve let my identity be. Not one of my choices I regret... but all of these choices have made me who I am. I hope one day these choices would make me even stronger and wiser and I hope that I would one day feel like I fit in with my colleagues with confidence and my own strength independent of everyone else. This is where the identity comes into it... this is where I am trying to do it all in my own strength forgetting God has ordained me with so much more regardless of who I currently feel I am. He’s ordained me with more than I can envisage. Hopefully one day I can fully walk into it.  I know the option is always there, I just have to choose it and trust that there’s better days ahead and like my saying says “KEEP GOING”.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

Identity in Hiatus

There are times in life when one needs to take a break, evaluate, reassess and determine ones next step in life.  There are times in life when in one’s assessment it is easy to realise that you’ve taken the focus off the prize. However identifying the lack of focus and redirecting that focus is another matter altogether. Without vision people perish. Without vision life appears hopeless, and other options become more viable. What vision can one have that is unfaltering and consistent?  What vision can one rely on to ensure that one will never perish?  This topic’s controversial but it’s Jesus Christ. Not academia, not body image, not finances, social status, entertainment, career, etc., Jesus.  Nothing else but Jesus can guarantee your purposeful existence in life. It is when we focus on Jesus that our insecurity diminishes, our fears soften, and our daily focus becomes clearer. It is in this realignment/refocusing we need to realise that healthy input (spending time with God, reading His Word, fellowshipping, etc.) is the only way to produce a healthy output. This is my prayer - God help me, that I may desire You more than anything else, and refocus my life focusing on You.

Friday, September 22, 2017

Complacency no more!

It's very easy to create your own routine in life and settle for the general lifestyle mantra of... be content, have ambitions, and leave God out of your very busy daily schedule. I've been thinking about this lately and I've realised I've become complacent. I am more settled with coming home and turning on the television to fill my time than I am of doing the much needed cleaning and the even more important spending quality time with God. I've been trying to do everything in my strength and not God's and as a result justify my exhaustion through the easiest method of input, entertainment and non-isolating when you're actually isolated techniques - television, television and more television. It's not what's on the television but the fact that it's a something to break the silence of being isolated. Something the let's you distract your own thoughts and have 21st subliminal messaging flashing through.  Something that lets you be a zombie... and there's nothing overly wrong with that except for the fact that for me I've become complacent in all the other things I could be doing.

I've become complacent in allowing God to move. I'm not limiting God, because for sure He can move mountains and I have no say in what He's going to do if He really wants to do it, but I have reserved myself to allow God to move in my life only when it suits me. Only when I'm going to be comfortable. Only when I don't have to please people. Only when I'm not going to be vulnerable... and that's not okay.

My daily mantra I'm changing.  My wake up moment is now "Hello God, what are You doing today? Can I be a part of it?"  We weren't put on this earth to solely exist. We weren't put on this Earth to go with the motions. We were put on this Earth to be His hands and feet and to bring Him glory.  This is my ambition, this is my perspective and this is what I'm going to strive to do. To allow myself to be used by God and to ensure I fill my spirit with quality material. Turning off the televisionpetiodically and just listening, allowing God to move. Spending quality time with Him and going "I am Your child, use me.  I don't care about what people think of me as long as I honour You first!"

“You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt loses its flavour, how shall it be seasoned? It is then good for nothing but to be thrown out and trampled underfoot by men. “You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭5:13-16‬ ‭(NKJV‬‬)

“He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭91:1‬ ‭(NKJV)

Image result for god use me

Friday, October 07, 2016

A missionary or a mission field?

Have you ever wondered what a missionary is? What they do? How they do it?  It is a selfless act.  It is something that makes you ask the question on am I a missionary or a mission field?  This question was posed to the group of people I was with whilst in America.  You're really one or the other... but sometimes it's hard to identify which.

I know there are times when I know which one I am and I know right now there's times I feel like I am not  doing the best I can or I don't want to be because I am exhausted but the big question is are you doing what you can?  You don't have to travel far to be a missionary.  You don't have to eat foreign foods.  You can stay at home.  Are you showing God's love where you're at in what you're doing?  This is the big question.  This is what I hope I am still doing when everything feels up in the air and this is what I hope others can see in me... God's love, not my own ambitions, fears, hurts, selfishness, etc. but God's love.  It is He that I live for and it is because of Him that my life has purpose.  He has given each and everyone of us a purpose in life.... each and everyone of us has a hope and a future and something to live for.  So what are you waiting for?  Are you a missionary or a mission field?

Friday, July 15, 2016

Busy beavers...

I have not written in awhile and it is funny how you can have the best intentions to get something done, like following through on those teaser posts from Novemenber last year, and yet get completely distracted in the here and now priorities that so readily consume your life.  These past 6 months have been a challenge but a rewarding one... I am now 2 semesters from completing my nursing degree and have also had the privelege of spending much cherished time with my mother travelling north on my one week of holidays and enjoying the simple things of life together.  The animals continually remind me how much they anticipate the family being at home and enthusiastically and doubly greet you at the door when you vacate longer than expected.  Then I have these random moments with God where some words will pop into my head and it reminds me during the plateaud seasons that He is still with me and will never leave me and He wants to make that clear to me and hopefully to you too.
I am hoping to continue updating this blog more frequently than I currently am and would appreciate your prayers for this semester that began three days ago with today being my first day of on campus classes.  I have had the praise point today of making two friends in my class who have also journeyed through much of their degree feeling alone and hopefully this friendship will continue to blossom and encourage each other to strive for excellency during one of the more so difficult hands on classes.  There are always blessings behind and through trials.

Until next time,

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

What am I doing now?

This is just a teaser, as I am in exam block, but my next posts will involve what I'm studying right now and what God's been showing me, as well as what I believe could be next for me.  Stay tuned.

Sunday, August 02, 2015

This is me... and THIS is God!

Last night I was overwhelmed, shaken and struggling.  I was ready to throw in the towel on a number of things and I started having a lot of down spiralling thoughts all of a sudden. Yet before all of these crazy thoughts came to mind, when I was just starting to feel overwhelmed, I saw a picture on my computer's screensaver of a person walking in the sunshing with a scripture stating "He has not left me alone."

Jesus is always with me.  I knew God was saying something when I saw it, but I didn't really know to what measure.  I didn't feel lonely and I knew God was with me and would never ever abandon me (or anyone else).  So I continued on into the night of 2200 hours... where I was ready to give up on studies, give up on missions, and a lot more (thoughts going crazily on) but I definitely knew I was going to bed and getting my Bible out.  I also sent a text to two good friends asking for their allegiance in praying.  Yet when I started journalling my prayer to God, I was able to place everything into perspective, to think rationally and continue to worship Yahweh.  It wasn't content written in declarence of defeat and hopelessness, it wasn't denial; it was truth.   This is saying something compared to a year ago where I just left the dark thoughts flow relentlessly in hard times.

God came through even more that night.  The picture was on a randomised feed, and so I had forgotten the verse reference and really wanted to meditate on that said scripture.  The first thought that I thought of was John 1:29 ("29 The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, “Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!").  That wasn't what I was looking, so I spent some time asking God again, and John 4:29 (“Come, see a man who told me everything I ever did. Could this be the Messiah?”) came to mind. I put my search at rest for the night there.  But God did not stop relaying the message.  Both of these verses seem irrelevant to the struggles I was having and the verse I was looking for, yet they both made me realise Jesus knows every single sin, all the sins combined of every single person alive, and He still chooses to love us. Now how many of us would love someone if they continually hurt us? Not many.  Jesus does! Jesus loves us. He knows all our wrongdoings and still chooses to walk by our side, calling us into His Kingdom! He doesn't leave us. EVER! Romans 8:38-39

      ("37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am  
convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.")

states that nothing could ever make Him stop loving us .  There's nothing that will force God to say "I don't love you. I want nothing to do with you."  He will ALWAYS say "I love you! I want everything to do with you! I want you to share everything with me always!"  Isn't that amazing.  What an awesome God we serve!!!