Hi all,
How is everyone going? Life here in Newcastle has so far been an interesting journey. One, not quite yet over, but taking a completely different directional turn of events.
Whilst my school, the Compassion DTS, of 18 people, are going on outreach (9 of them being my team that is heading to Byron Bay, Toowoomba and Cambodia); I will not be joining them on this adventure. Nor will I be staying at the YWAM Newcastle base for debrief and commissioning, as is what usually happens after outreach. Instead I will be taking a different path. I don’t know yet what that path is exactly, nor am I writing this update to seek pity or sympathy, or any other emotion, but I am letting you know, as you have supported me currently, and in the past, for several reasons.
One, is to let you know that my plans have changed.
Two, is for those of you who have supported me in the lecture phase, thank you! Your money did not go to waste… do not feel like it did. Whilst part of me is struggling with the thought that this was a complete waste of time, I KNOW God is doing something, and it started here at YWAM Newcastle. I have learnt so much here, and it is somewhere in my head (and hopefully making its way down to my heart), and I have you to thank, for giving me this opportunity to get to know God more; to know Him more on a personal level and not just on a theological level (that we often slip into).
Three, is for those of you who gave me money specifically for outreach. I have already contacted you if your money did go towards outreach fees, and it should be in your email inbox now. Please let me know what your decision is. I am happy if you want your money back, but I will also be blessed and will accept it, if you want your money to go into the account I’ve set up for when I do complete a DTS or do some other God-called mission trip. I will not spend any of this money, unless God leads me into doing something for Him again (it is set aside for God-called work), which I am trusting and believing He will, as I have no reason to be alive, except by His grace and glory. This is not me giving up something because it’s hard. I am not giving up. This is me, changing direction, to seek further help, with the advice, encouragement, and support of YWAM Newcastle, on being restored more physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, where YWAM is not equipped to do so.
And fourthly, I am telling you this, because I would really appreciate your prayer and support. I don’t need any discouragement, as my mind is creating enough of that already, nor do I want you feeling sorry for me, as it’s another “incomplete” thing… but your prayers would be greatly appreciated. I have no idea what God has in store for me. All I know is that right now it’s not YWAM outreach, and it’s probably trying to get some holistic help so that I can be who God originally created me to be. Whether that is in NSW, or WA, or Vic, or outside of Australia, I don’t know. All I know is that who I am right now, how I feel (incomplete and broken) is not how God wants me to feel or what He’s made me to be.
Part of this update is also for my YWAM school mates (Compassion DTS). You guys are absolute legends. Whilst I struggled to connect with you at first, and was delegated as the tour guide (which I did enjoy), I can never replace the time I’ve had with you guys, with anything better. I know I was here for a reason. I know that each of you have taught or inspired me. I also know that you guys will do amazing things on outreach (and after). You are so God-focused, it’s AMAZING! Keep letting Him be your guide, your fore-runner. Let Him be the scout in front of your army. Follow in His footsteps.
I know I should have told you guys (Compassion DTS) this on Wednesday, when I told you that I wouldn’t be joining you on outreach, but I also have a tendency to push people away, and I have been doing it a little bit the last few (4) weeks, more this week, and will probably also do it next week too. I am not pushing you away because I don’t want you, or have been hurt by you, but because I don’t do well with leaving people, with saying goodbye (remember ‘rejection’ coming up in Father’s Heart of God week?). It’s more a subconscious thing… which ends up hurting me more in the long run (as I sometimes think I am the one being pushed away) and it’s something I am trying to work on (ask some of my best friends – I did it before I came to DTS). So I am letting you know now, so if you think I’m behaving a certain way because of something you have or haven’t done, it’s not because of you, it’s because I’m hurting and trying to put up security walls of protection out of insecurity… But remember that you have significantly and positively impacted me, and God will do amazing things with, for and through you – LET HIM!!!
I also want to say thanks to all of you who have supported me through this. Thank you to my prayer and financial supporters, for all the support you have given me in getting me here and staying here. I wish I could show you more gratitude than just a mention in this blog post… you guys have played a huge role in the changing of my life.
To the Compassion DTS leaders, thanks heaps (akun) for having the patience to put up with my struggles, and for trying to guide me onto the right path; for not letting me quit; for letting God speak through you to me, even when it seemed weird or I didn’t seem to accept the word that He had for me and hurt you through the process. Thank you for taking the time out of your life (even though it’s what God has called you to do) to minister to all of us and for obeying God – even when you were in a new phase of life and wanted a chance to settle into that new step of life.
Wanda nalu (thanks) to my team mates, for coming alongside the solo-Aussie and letting her into your groups of friendship; for dealing (and coping) with me when I was upset or isolating myself, and praying for me when I was unwell. Thanks for caring, when I didn’t deserve it.
And last but not least, thank you to all my friends and family back home. I know that you, of all people, would probably find this hardest to hear (and I haven’t told a lot of you – nor really anyone, even here in Newie, until now, because I don’t want to hurt you), but know that God has a reason for it – whilst I don’t know what it is, I am relying on Romans 8:28 and what I know of the character of God, that He will use this to bring His name glory, and it will all work out for good. I love you guys, with as much love as I understand, and am so thankful that God has placed you in my life throughout the years. You have each moulded me into the woman I am becoming today. Thank you so much!
As I have said above, I’ve learnt heaps, and when I’ve had a chance to process, know clearly what I have learnt (and it’s in my heart) I am hoping to post some of it here, to share with you what your support has helped me in. Two things that have surfaced a lot and have been slowly becoming clear in the last two months are that I cannot place God in a box and expect Him only to show up in a certain way, for if I do that then I might as well be like a horse with blinkers on… unable to see fully, and potentially missing out on what God actually wants to show me. The other thing is that Jesus is a rescuer… I don’t know how He is a rescuer yet… but I am believing that He will rescue me. I do know that He’s rescued us all from our sins and we have authority, under His name, to step out from that bondage… we don’t need to live in our sin; we are not held down by our past or our family’s past… we are a new creation; we are FREE in JESUS’ name!
Whilst I don’t know what the next few months entail; whilst I came here in hope that God would show Himself to me and give me steps to take for the future… a guide of what He has in store for me; whilst everything is up in the air, and I at this moment, I am angry and hurt with God (and trying to deal with it), I am also trusting in Him, as there is no one else in this World who knows what all of us should be doing AND still loves us, even when we’ve walked away from Him and His path for our lives. So at the moment all I know is that I am trusting God, and whilst I’m looking at different options, the only definite option I have and know at the moment is to trust in God!
Again, thank you for all your support in getting me and keeping me here, and for the love you have shown me (whether you’ve known me for only a couple of months, or for my whole life), it’s meant a lot!
I hope to hear how your lives are going and what you’ve been up to while I’m been away. Have a very merry Christmas and a blessed New Years and GBUG (God Bless U Good).
Kara
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