Rebellion ~ There's a Rebellious Root Hidden Within... One to bedug up and burnt to begin with

(RANDOM THOUGHTS... from 6/1/2012)

I've never really thought of myself as rebellious, not in the way that society defines rebellious. If I didn't have a teacher agree with me at school, or let me get my way, I accepted, understanding that they had the authority and knew best for that situation. I didn't do graffiti, or drugs, or try to skank anyone up... I did get into swearing a bit in primary school, which has been a habit that the sails can blow fully if I don't watch it, but that was partly due to just wanting to fit in with the crowd of friends I had.

However the last 24 hours have brought further thoughts on rebellion to light. My walk with God. Right now I want to throw in the towel. Give up. It seems too hard. Life seems too hard. No, I am not suicidal. I am just frustrated... call it rebellious! I don't understand what is happening, what is going on, where I am meant to be, or who I am... and I know that that's meant to be okay. I don't have to know, no one does, except God... but sometimes knowing that God knows isn't the most comforting thought. It isn't right now.

For almost a week I have struggled with God. I have felt that I am to take time out and spend time with Him, but I can't. I can't, because my attitude stinks and is making it seem impossible or improbable and unimportant/unfruitful. I know that reading the Bible should help my situation, but I get stuck on where to read and what to do. There is something repulsive about doing this. Something that seems to scream further pain and death. I get stuck on the fruitfulness of it all and the point of trying to connect with someone when it feels so isolating. I get so stuck that I don't even bother... I'll slip into watching television shows, movies, reading books, saving encouraging photos, slipping into old comfort habits - one involving eating food, even though I'm not hungry, or just staring at facebook waiting for someone to upload a status (for almost half an hour)... to just fill in the time... to just try to avoid what I know I need to do, because I don't know what else to do. It's pathetic! But it's also rebellious.

I can't remember what my thoughts were on this last night, but I realised that I've got a rebellious root inside of me. A root which I know has affected my relationship with God and wants to make me vomit up a vengeance of hurtful, hateful words, but I know not what the source nor what the words would contain, just the feeling of regurgitation at the back of the throat. What is this rebellion and where did it come from?

The picture of the closed fist holds close to my character lately... If I am frustrated (more with myself or God, than anyone else) I will lash out... not in tongue, but in action, and it is something I've had to work on. It's an act of violence against authority - I am still working out where I got a dislike for authority, because I hadn't realised I had any negative feelings towards authority until the last few months passed, but it is definitely one big can of worms.

There's the story of Jonah (also symbolised in most people's minds by a big fish, or a whale) which displays rebellion to God. God told Jonah to go to Ninevah... Jonah ran in the opposite direction to Ninevah, which didn't make Jonah's path easy at all (thanks Cookie for the lift up). In this story, this factual event of life that actually did happen, Jonah rebelled against God, but he was also running out of fear. How often do we run? How often do I run? I run a lot... I didn't realise it, but I do. I haven't done much physical running lately... actually I haven't done any, but I have ran a lot spiritually and relationally, and that is rebellion... knowing that you should be doing something and avoiding it at all costs. Who knew fear ties in with rebellion? I sure didn't!

I run because I'm scared; I don't know what the future holds; and so I run to where I feel comfortable, which is sometimes running away from everyone, physically and mentally... I am realising today that I don't know where God is in my life; I don't know who He is; and part of me doesn't care because I've tried getting to know Him and I can't hack it anymore... which won't end very well... it would probably turn into Jonah's story very quickly... good thing there's no whales nearby... But I also realise I've been a bit of a Martha as well - out of the story of Jesus, Mary and Martha (Luke 10:38-42). I've been trying to find God through all these means and find restoration impossibly, and it has come to no avail. I've been Thomas, who's seen God and all His movements, in my life and in others, and yet I still doubt... and I just don't know what to do any more. I don't want to lay down. I don't want to give up. I don't want to slip into my old past, or let a new future come full of all the mistakes I have done and more... but I don't know how to stay out of this fiery storm that is blowing my way and a part of me is willing to stand on the bonfire and receive the scorching flames.

But what about you? Are you rebellious? How are you rebellious? Is God telling you something that with your mindset seems too hard?

My step at the moment is to not take another step. I do not want to delete friends or updates I get on people because it hurts, which it sometimes does, but I do love seeing what God is doing in their lives and the lives of others through them. I do not want to become bitter and resilient to a loving touch because of pain. I do not want to declare that I will never do YWAM or anything to do with God because I am not good enough, and I do not want to become that rebellious (or rebellious at all) that I can't even find God in nature, which seems to be the only place I can see Him in my own life at the moment. So these are my steps, and out of curiosity, not hypocrisy, what are yours? What are you doing to find God and make Him more a part of your life? How is He incorporated into your life - a weekly appointment on Sundays? A half hour every day? Or every second of your life? Or like my YWAM room mate, whom I love heaps did, she made weekly dates with God where she'd dress up and plan a meal and everything to share with her beloved! So what are you doing?